Imagining my death

There is no denying the fact that 'death' is a gloomy and depressing topic for almost all of us, and especially during these ridiculously difficult times of pandemic, it is the last thing any of us would want to read or hear about. My intent is not to write about something depressing or pertaining to covid in any way. It's about imagining one's own death, and I've done this many times, years before any pandemic started. 

I read somewhere that preparing for death or rather thinking about one's own death helps one live a more calibrated, meaningful and satisfying life.It helps us truly understand the value of 'time', and enables us to appreciate things like love and affection, and the importance of enjoying the seemingly insignificant yet beautiful things in our daily existence which otherwise slip off our notice due to our busy life or because we take such things for granted. Taking one's kid for a walk or having a cup of tea and biscuit with one's spouse may seem routine, cooking for one's parents may feel like a not-so-great use of one's time especially if there are office deadlines to meet but these are actually the things which we'll recall and cherish when we are about to die. Or at least that is what I am inclined to believe. 

There is no escaping death, not at least in the foreseeable future. Medical and technological miracles may some day be able to push our old age indefinitely longer, make us seemingly immortal but that is a topic of discussion for another day, and more pertinently, it isn't going to happen in my lifetime - at least that's what I believe. I will be glad if I am wrong :) 

In any case, although there is no escaping death, none of us likes to die an untimely death, or at a young age. And, when I say that thinking about one's own death helps us lead a more meaningful life, I do not mean to say that we should get shit scared every day, thinking about our own death or that of our loved ones. We need to live life as long as we're alive, and how we live, is mostly in our control. When and how we die, is not in our hand and since it's inevitable anyway, it's best to not drown ourselves in a sea of gloom and despair, wondering about what would happen after we die. 

Many years back, when I used to imagine my own death - well, not the process of dying but the aftermath of my death - I would attach importance to myself, or rather to my absence. I would imagine that many of my friends would be grief-stricken for weeks, that in social media feeds, my relative and acquaintances would put obituaries, recollect memories with me. My colleagues and peers would feel my absence, and talk about our times together. 

Now I know, of course, that this was my ego or self-importance unable to accept myself disappearing into an eternal vacuum. And now I know, or rather I've realized, that except for my immediate family members, no one is going to think of me or miss me beyond one or two days. Some would miss me/think of me occasionally, say a few times in the day, for a few weeks, but beyond that, it's be very infrequent. Sure, there would be some obituaries, there would be lots of friends writing 'RIP Diggi' on WhatsApp and Facebook or LinkedIn, and they would (or many of them would) be actually sad that I died rather untimely if I die tomorrow, for instance but they'd be doing their daily chores and jobs normally just like I would do if a friend of mine passes away suddenly (God forbids). The students doing their PhD with me would have to find a new advisor to complete their theses, but most of them are already co-advised officially or otherwise, so that's not going to be an issue at all. A replacement for me can be quickly hired in the department, given that there are folks working in my area of research who are actually much more talented, more capable and more promising than I am or I ever was!

My parents would be inconsolable, I imagine, given that funeral of one's own child is probably the worst form of grief. Ok, I am not going to write what my wife will feel and what steps she should probably take if I die abruptly (because I am sure she will read this, and will probably ask me to delete this post for writing a hopelessly screwed up & dark topic!). But I do think, in great details, what will befall on my immediate family members should I die suddenly, but I won't write it here. 

However, thinking that death is sudden and so, I need to live every day as the last day of my life, is also not an optimal thinking, I feel, for, it prevents one from planning long term, of striving to work hard on things which yield results much later, years down the lane. If I want to work on a difficult research problem which would take me years (if I succeed at all), then, thinking that I need to live every day as the last day of my life will prevent me from embarking on a long journey. Or if someone wants to practice hard for years at something (soccer, any sports, music etc). to become one of the best in the world, then one can't live every day as the last day of one's life. So, it has to be a balance. A balance of enjoying the seemingly small but captivating moments of the day, and of planning or striving to work long-term. 

Death will surely come. Till then, we live life. As Mark Twain said (forgot the exact words) - I've been dead for billions of years (before I was born) and I will be dead for billions of years after I die.